How to Fall Out of Love Madly by Jana Casale

Author:Jana Casale [Casale, Jana]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2022-08-02T00:00:00+00:00

GLASS

Joy had never had good sex. She was at this point in her life pretty certain that good sex didn’t actually exist. She found sex to be cumbersome and uncomfortable, painful sometimes. She had never once felt even a second close to orgasming. And the worst part of all of it was that she felt so unattractive during the whole thing. It was hard for her to imagine that a man, any man, would choose to look at her body to feel a sense of desire and so anytime she had been naked in front of a man she’d be sucking in and lying back and doing every physical thing possible to live up to a standard that she knew she couldn’t live up to clothed let alone naked. It was depressing and draining. But recently she’d begun to feel better about things after a conversation with Annie. Historically, Annie had rarely talked about the sex she had with Jason. It was funny because she wasn’t shy talking about sex in general. She talked about it frequently and crudely. Joy often found herself embarrassed by her.

“Really, Annie?” she’d say.

“What? It’s true,” Annie would say back. But that was it. It was always distant and impersonal. Then one day they were watching Seinfeld together on the couch and it was the episode where Elaine says that she faked orgasms with Jerry, and Joy said, “You know, I’ve never thought to fake an orgasm.” And Annie said, “Really? I do it all the time.” And Joy said, “You do?” But Annie didn’t respond, and they just watched the rest of the episode in silence. It was a small moment really, nothing much at all, but it completely changed the way Joy thought about herself and sex. She wondered harder than ever if good sex existed. She wondered why women were lying to each other.

Joy wanted things to go well with Rick. She promised herself that no matter how self-conscious she was about her body, she was not going to question why he was sleeping with her. She was going to indulge in the whole thing as much as possible. She even bought a corset, an item that until now she’d been certain was meant only for women who had an easier time wearing trench coats without looking like Inspector Gadget. Now she was going to be like those women. She was ready to feel desired, sexy, wanted. And in the back of her mind, she was hoping that Theo would be jealous.

Joy spent an hour cleaning up her room. She didn’t think of herself as a particularly messy person, but her room in its best natural state still seemed too cluttered with too much of herself. A faded robe with a duck embroidered on the pocket, a CD from 1998 that she still had out on her desk in a pile of other CDs from 1998. The knickknacks that lined her nightstand vaguely alluding to pieces of who she was: a turtle

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